How To Speak Chav
by Rock Gecko
Summary: This one shot is set in a random interval, a few weeks after the meeting at Iruka’s house. Sasuke is back again, with a very interesting book… Learn how to speak Chav!


**A/N**: This one shot is based on my story _Opposing Labels_. I will continue that story (I am determined!) but yes I do have writer's block and I'm in my last year of high school so teacher's are proper stressing out at me. However, Chapter 5 is progressing well and I haven't had to restart it! But yeah, this little one shot is like a side story from that one.

**This one shot is set in a random interval, a few weeks after the meeting at Iruka's house. Sasuke is back again, with a very interesting book…**

How To Speak Chav

By Rock Gecko

Sasuke X Naruto

Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto.. 

Nor the witty Translations of the Chav Dictionary

Saturday was Naruto's favourite day. Usually, he would spend Saturday's either hanging out with Kiba and the gang, or it would be spent on the internet and MSN. However this Saturday was different. Why? Simply because his arch nemesis was currently laid on his bed and reading a small orange book.

"Tell me again why you're in MY room?" Naruto asked, as calmly as a chav could. The raven merely glanced at the blonde before looking back down to his book. Naruto scowled, stomping over to the bed and ripping the miniature book out of Sasuke's hands.

"You dirty fucking goth! What the fuck are you-- 'The Little Book of **Chav Speak**'? What the fuck?!" Naruto stared down at the book in horror before throwing it back in the Uchiha's face. Catching it with expert skill, Sasuke smirked before turning to a page in the book.

"Your signet ring isn't from Argos." Sasuke said, all the while smirking. Naruto's mouth fell open. Not because he was insulted, but more because he couldn't understand where that statement had come from.

"Err.. Say what now?" For some reason Sasuke frowned and opened the book to the same page. His eyes quickly scanned whatever was on that page before saying "Your trainers look old". Yet again, the raven simply got a confused look from the blonde chav. Turning to that page once again, he beckoned Naruto over and showed him the page.

What the chav saw on the page made his face go from his normal tan shade, to an angry red colour.

'**Diss' - **_(Verb) A contraction of the English term "disrespect". "__**Dissing"**__ a chav / chavette is easy and will frustrate him / her greatly as he / she will not be able to think fast enough to come up with a response. Some excellent "__**disses**__" to be used on chavs are:_

"_You look like your mum."_

"_Your signet ring isn't from Argos"_

"_Your dad hasn't been to prison"_

"_Your trainers look old"_

"_Why do your trainers have four stripes?"_

"_Why can your family breathe underwater and swim really fast?" _(Referring to the gills and webbing that have evolved out of repeated inbreeding).

"What the fuck is this book on about?!" The blonde bellowed. The goth sighed before turning to another page in the book. Not wanting to put up with the Goth's attitude any longer, Naruto stormed towards his computer, and angrily signed on to MSN. The two simply ignored each other for the rest of the day.

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It was now evening time in the Umino household. Sasuke had returned home for the start of school on Monday and Iruka had left for a meeting that was taking place in the village hall. So Naruto was left on his own in the house, and currently bored out of his mind.

**NaRu-bOi::ErE::2K7::LuvinYa'll: **_(says) _See you Kiba. I'm off. Bored outta my fucking mind.

**WOT UP DAWG?!:**_ (says)_ Alright mate. See ya later!

Naruto signed off MSN and leaned backwards on his chair. He ran his hands over his face which had become tense from staring at the computer screen for too long a time. Turning his head towards the bed, his eyes widened slightly as he saw the miniature orange book that Sasuke had been reading earlier laid on top of his pillow.

_Stupid goth probably forgot it, _was the thought that currently occurred to the blonde. And then another thought occurred.. _What sort of things do they write in that book?_

And with his curiosity leading his brain, Naruto turned open the book, to the first page..

_Welcome to the dictionary of chav speak. It describes and details the extensively limited lexicon of a social logical underclass known to most as chavs. This growing breed of scallies, charvers and layabouts, has gradually developed it's own language which is completely unintelligible to the untrained ear. This book is designed to help the normal English speaker understand the terminology of these groups of people who hang about in shopping centres, leisure parks and bowling alleys in the hope that through understanding and knowledge, we will one day be able to communicate more efficiently with them. _

_So next time you walk past a group of chavs outside a bowling alley, bus station or cinema, try eavesdropping- you may be surprised at what you hear.._

Raising an eyebrow in slight amusement, Naruto flipped to a random page in the book and started to read the page.

"**Fuck"** - _(expletive)_ This English taboo word is encouraged in chav speak, and should be used regularly and with much bravado. (e.g.: "what the fuckin' fuck is fuckin' 'appenin' wiv your fuckin' bling - it was 'nuff frosted but now it's fuckin' wack innit?")

In all simplicity, Naruto kept turning to random pages in the book for the rest of the night.

"**Money"** - _(noun)_ Another legend from chav mythology. Money is thought to be "rarer than gold" by most chavs and although freely dispersed by the DSS on production of your ration book, most chavs will never know what it is like to hold a real twenty pound note.

"**Microwave" **_- (noun) _Item found in every chav kitchen in the country. All meals in chav households are prepared using this technological wonder. Apparently you put cold food in for thirty seconds and it comes out hot enough to melt steel. Believe.

"**Bench" **_- (noun) _'Benches are found outside bowling alleys, cinemas and amusement arcades in every town centre or leisure complex in the country. No true chavs can afford to enter any of these establishments and thus are grateful to local councils for giving them somewhere to sit and abuse the public.

"**Father"**_ - (noun) _A creature out of chav mythology often spoke of but never seen - What chavs become when they die / disappear / go to prison.

"**Fingerprint" **_- (noun) _used in place of "signature" in chav speak. Chavs are more commonly required to sign their name in this way than with a pen. Most chavs cannot write anyway.

"**X"** - Don't be ridiculous! Chavs don't know any words beginning with 'X'.

"**Yellow Newspapers"**_ - (noun) _These advertising newspapers are treated as both books and catalogues by chavs. All Christmas shopping is done with the aid of such retail bibles. It is possible to obtain any item you can imagine for under five pounds! This includes cars.

"**Poor" **_- (adjective) _The social status most chavs aspire to being. It is easily obtainable. Doesn't involve work and the DSS gives you money.

"**Geek" **_- (noun) _Used by chavs as a term of respect for people more intelligent than themselves. People can qualify as a 'geek' in the eyes of any chav in many ways. These range from knowing how to tie their own shoelaces, to wearing glasses or not smoking.

"**Chav"**_ - (noun / verb) _i) The manifested humanitarian equivalent to either stepping on an upturned plug or having chewing gum stuck to your shoe. ii) To steal

"**Chavette"**_ - (noun) _The female equivalent of a chav except with more hair mousse, a shorter skirt and a deeper voice. Chavettes can be found in their natural habitat hanging around bus stops, shopping malls and in fast food restaurants.

Shaking his blonde head in amusement, Naruto put the book down on his desk and crawled sleepily into bed. His last thought for the day being _Hehe.. Chav dictionary. Whoever wrote that is a fucking stoner.._

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**A/N**: Hope you enjoyed this. I certainly found these words funny. And I promise to get writing Chapter 5 soon!


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